Disappearance | Authspot

Disappearance | Authspot

Posted using ShareThis

Drowning in Air | Authspot

Drowning in Air | Authspot

Posted using ShareThis

It's been awhile and a slightly different direction

My journey is changing today

I will begin with a disclaimer/reminder. This is one woman's story of a wonderful and troubled relationship. These are my thoughts and opinions and they are being written "in the moment" and as I am writing this, I do not know where the story will end. I know that my situation needs to change and, ultimately, I can only do that by changing myself. These are the thoughts and feelings that I need to work through to either save my marriage or to have the strength to end it. I will mention some points that have led me here but really this is where I see myself going from passenger on this journey to navigator/driver.

I don't know if it will work.

I don't know how I want the story to end although my husband seeing the light and realizing that I am right (Yes, I am sure that will happen right after I win the lottery!) would not be a bad scenario but seems pretty unlikely.

Instead I am going to try to tame some of the thoughts in my head and make the changes I need to make because I cannot keep on this current path. I am carsick and I need to get out and breathe some fresh air - figuratively, for now.

I do not speak for all women but I have to believe that I am not alone. I guess misery really does love company.

Been on the roller coaster

I am sorry for not posting but the roller coaster of alcoholism has been dragging me along. I keep thinking things will improve and sometimes I will get a few hours of joy but it always ends badly. Then I feel lke an idiot for thinking he meant what he said. I feel stupid for "falling" for it again. The highs can be so high but I don't think the best days will ever make up for the worst and I am tired of other people screwing up and me having to suffer for it.

So much for quiet

I think today I have officially reached my bottom point and I have no idea what it means. I am married to a man with several addictions (although he will only admit to the alcohol) and I cannot go on like this anymore. My problem is that I love my husband but I hate the addict. I am tired of going to work in the morning feeling like crap because I could not meet his "needs" or I could not "satisfy" him. I am tired of feeling like a failure because he drank too much or got high and there were, shall we say, negative side effects that frustrated him. I have sat for too many years thinking that maybe losing a few pounds or wearing different clothes or faking enjoyment of the things he likes would some how bring him to satisfaction. I'm tired of being uncomfortable in my own house...in my own skin.

This morning, honestly, the only thing that kept me from just driving off the overpass was thinking about what it would do to the kids. Of course I don't know what is worse--being gone or being hollow.

Sorry for the quiet

I apologize for not being around for a few days. I know sometimes when things get too quiet we kind of sit back and hope that it is a "Good" quiet not just the calm before the storm. Never fear...this time real-life just got in the way of my blogging time. And I just didn't have anything to ramble about at the moment. Don't worry I'll have some good ramblings shortly :-)

Blog Action Day 08 Poverty

I just wanted to take a minute from the regular ramblings to post in support of the Blog Action Day 08 and raising awareness of Poverty issues both here and abroad. The economy has been all over the news lately but still very little discussion on true poverty.

I grew up with a single mom on welfare. We never had a car. I remember watching (and not understanding at the time) my mom create the monthly food lists so she could buy just the right amount. I remember the thrift stores and food closets and being embarrased that someone would see me in KMart. I don't know how my mom did it but I appreciate the skills that it taught me. I understand now what she was going through. When you have to make balance the choice between having gas or bus fare to go to work or food for the kids. I know now about the struggle to say no to the kids when they want the things their friends have.

I also know that I am lucky because I have a roof over my head and a job and a family to come home to. Not everyone does and we need to fix that--even just a little at a time.