So much for quiet

I think today I have officially reached my bottom point and I have no idea what it means. I am married to a man with several addictions (although he will only admit to the alcohol) and I cannot go on like this anymore. My problem is that I love my husband but I hate the addict. I am tired of going to work in the morning feeling like crap because I could not meet his "needs" or I could not "satisfy" him. I am tired of feeling like a failure because he drank too much or got high and there were, shall we say, negative side effects that frustrated him. I have sat for too many years thinking that maybe losing a few pounds or wearing different clothes or faking enjoyment of the things he likes would some how bring him to satisfaction. I'm tired of being uncomfortable in my own house...in my own skin.

This morning, honestly, the only thing that kept me from just driving off the overpass was thinking about what it would do to the kids. Of course I don't know what is worse--being gone or being hollow.

Sorry for the quiet

I apologize for not being around for a few days. I know sometimes when things get too quiet we kind of sit back and hope that it is a "Good" quiet not just the calm before the storm. Never fear...this time real-life just got in the way of my blogging time. And I just didn't have anything to ramble about at the moment. Don't worry I'll have some good ramblings shortly :-)

Blog Action Day 08 Poverty

I just wanted to take a minute from the regular ramblings to post in support of the Blog Action Day 08 and raising awareness of Poverty issues both here and abroad. The economy has been all over the news lately but still very little discussion on true poverty.

I grew up with a single mom on welfare. We never had a car. I remember watching (and not understanding at the time) my mom create the monthly food lists so she could buy just the right amount. I remember the thrift stores and food closets and being embarrased that someone would see me in KMart. I don't know how my mom did it but I appreciate the skills that it taught me. I understand now what she was going through. When you have to make balance the choice between having gas or bus fare to go to work or food for the kids. I know now about the struggle to say no to the kids when they want the things their friends have.

I also know that I am lucky because I have a roof over my head and a job and a family to come home to. Not everyone does and we need to fix that--even just a little at a time.

Blame

In the first few years of my relationship, I blamed the alcohol for the problems.  The bad moods, the temper, the other women-the alcohol caused everything.  I remember saying "If he would just not drink..."  Then he went to AA and stopped drinking for 4 years and I realized that it wasn't the alcohol that was the problem.  It contributed to problems, of course, but it was not THE problem.

Day 1

This is my first blog and forgive me for meandering as I start down this path. I have put off doing this for a long time but I am tired of having all these thoughts in my head and I need to find a place to get them out and maybe find out I'm not crazy. Or, find out that I am. Either way I am hoping it will bring a little peace to a turbulent life. These are my thoughts and my opinions and whatever else may jump onto the page at a given moment. I think if you are here, you will understand what I mean.

I will try to post regularly. Sometimes it will be funny, sometimes not. Sometimes it will just be.

I welcome you along for the ride